If I knew then what I know now,
I know I wouldn't have come close
to what I now regret having done.

But it's only because I've done
what I wish I could undo, that
I now know what I wish I knew then.

–––

My mind seems to find joy in replaying certain scenes of things I’ve done that it knows my present self would never redo, and it never helps realizing I’ll forever have to live with the thought of knowing my past self has once been there. I never know how to feel about her then; ashamed because she’s done it? or grateful because without her I might have still been doing it? angry at how naive she sounded? or empathetic because she obviously didn’t know any better? regret because I let it happen? or pride because I’ve learned my lesson?

Have I really learned my lesson?

What if my future self looks back one day at what I think I know now, and realizes she’s still stuck in that very same loop? Does the weight of the should-have-beens ever get lighter?