I love online calls.

But I also kinda really dislike them.

I love online calls for connecting me with people I might’ve otherwise lost touch with. I love them for allowing me to attend events around the world from the comfort of my couch.

Yet I dislike them.

I dislike how I’m never able to make proper eye contact with the other person. They look at their screen, I look at mine. We see each other. But our eyes never really meet. I no longer feel the intensity of locking eyes with someone.

I miss when I used to lose my train of thoughts in the middle of a conversation, as my mind gets distracted by what I rather see through someone’s eyes. I miss having access to more than just their eyeballs, with some eyes taking me straight into the souls of their owners.

I dislike online calls for making me prefer to stay silent in most group settings. I‘m always worried about possibly cutting someone off as they speak at the same time while my internet delays their voice for the first few seconds. Then having to apologize for interrupting while they’re in the middle of a thought, which can distract them even worse than I’d expected. I dislike that I choose to swallow in some ‘hmmm’s and ‘ahh’s because my voice on the other person’s speakers often mutes their mic, while they might be in the middle of an important sentence.

I dislike that I’ve to nod twice as much as I would in real life for it to get noticed. Even then, the person might be focusing on what they’re sharing on screen that they’d totally miss it.

I dislike seeing myself on the screen. It makes me more conscious, instead of allowing the other person to see me the way I naturally am when I’m not paying attention.

Yet I also really like talking to people in settings that say more about them. Like talking to someone in their bedroom with their favorite posters showing in the background. Or casually speaking to someone I normally used to see in a more formal attire. I like the things I hear in the background. A baby crying. Someone accidentally walking in to ask if they’d like hotdogs for dinner. A neighbour interrupting with their loud stereo. I like how real it sounds.

And yet, I dislike so much about it.