I‘m not okay. I mean I am okay, it’s just that... well, I’m not. I don’t know what it is. I wish I can point at something and say THIS is what’s causing all the discomfort. But I don’t know, and it sucks.

I’m okay with the aloneness, I’m just not okay that it’s not my choice. I want to be alone when I choose to be alone. Not when the world decides. I’m also okay with staying at home, but I’m not okay with being forced into it. Whenever I had a busy week before, I’d stay home for a day or two and come out just fine. Now that I’m constantly in, it confuses my brain that I need to recharge away from the one place that used to recharge every ounce of my being.

I’m sick of having to pause for a few seconds every time I try remembering what day of the week it is. I’m sick of giving up on my routine towards the end of every week, with hopes that I’d get back on track starting the next.

I’m sick of the guilt. Of beating myself up for how my productivity at work is going downhill, and how I feel like I don’t deserve to be getting paid for this.

I’m sick of the guilt of having people show their care, while I’m unable to reciprocate. Every night, I stare at the long list of texts I have to respond to and my heart feels heavy. For I realize it’s a blessing. The fact that this many people care and want to make sure I’m okay. While I can’t even get myself to reply back with a smiley face. I’m sick of the guilt of being a late responder, and the scenarios my mind keeps playing for how everyone must be mad at me for it.

I’m sick of not being able to complain. For whenever I do, everyone pitches in with suggestions to help me feel better. Which is something normal human beings do when they care about each other and want to help. Only that it makes me feel worse realizing there are simple ideas out there that I can help myself with, while I can’t start any of them. It feels worse that I’ve no idea what I need from people who don’t get why I’m not allowing them in to help.

So there’s uncertainty, there’s burnout, and then there’s a great amount of guilt spread inside that I don’t know how to deal with. I don’t want to feel this guilty all the time. I want it to go away.