Do the people who traumatize us so bad even realize how much our lives are never going to be the same, just because of who they are?

There are places I can no longer visit, because of people who’ve left so abruptly in their exact spots. Scents I keep trying to avoid, for they remind me of how being around them felt like. People I’m unable to normally interact with, for they somehow carry pieces of others they’re not even associated with. Scenes that never stop replaying at the back of my mind for things they’ve said that I still can’t wipe off. And I don’t know if this will ever come to an end.

Because the triggers are everywhere. All around. In someone’s laughter. In someone else’s favorite food. In another’s stories about a country they’re so excited to have travelled to. In a completely unrelated scenario my mind chooses to déjà vu. In a little detail about myself I shared and only wish I can undo. In a lingering movie added earlier to my Netflix queue. In the unexplainable pain in my chest I still keep trying to push through. Every trigger comes along with its own set of memories, and feelings that take forever to even slightly resolve.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be okay again, and yet I can only wish I never turn into someone else‘s trigger one day. Or worse, a trauma of their own.

Written on: January 14, 2020