Yesterday, I heard this really loud buzz coming from the kitchen and figured it had something to do with the gas meter. I already had issues with it over the year, so hearing that buzz kind of made my heart skip a few beats. I wasn’t ready to go through anything that needed me to actually do something about it, so I thought maybe if I ignored it long enough, it would just go away. The way I’ve been dealing with almost every thing around the house for years. I started playing loud videos on my phone instead, so I’d stop hearing the buzz, and just avoided the kitchen all day. It worked pretty well. I’m honestly not surprised.

But then right before I head to bed, I realized it was still on and thought maybe I can have a look. Just one quick look, and then back to ignoring it. So I headed over to the meter, and realized the buzz was coming from some sort of a valve located at the very top that was vibrating. I tried touching it, just changing its position and bringing it back in place. And bam! It stopped buzzing. Literally. That’s all it took. A touch and a change of position. And the sound completely faded away.

I stood there for a few seconds, not totally grasping that I had really let myself go through a full day of panic and denial, over something that was meant to take me less than a second to fix. Because maybe that’s all it really needed. Some acknowledgment.

It kind of got to me because this has largely been my general attitude in life. Ignoring things until they go away. And then realizing they only go away once I start giving them attention. I’ve spent long days trying to postpone certain talks, meetings or responsibilities I knew I just had to do. And none of them ever went away. My anxiety only grew louder every time. And with every issue I’m able to fix, I start thinking maybe I’ve learned the lesson. Maybe next time I’ll really start dealing with my problems as and when they come up. Only that I happened to hear some weird noise somewhere near the fridge today, and... well, you can totally guess how I handled that.

My headphones totally came back to the rescue!

Maybe some things are not meant to change. 🤷🏻‍♀️

April 20, 2020