Self-talk
Self-talk is, I believe, the most important aspect of a person’s relationship with themselves. The way you talk to yourself inside your head. Especially when no one is listening. It’s so scary how much self-talk can literally ruin lives. And yet it’s so beautiful how learning to take more control of it can also magnificently change worlds.
I never realized how harshly I used to talk to myself, until I said some of the words out loud during a couple of my sessions and realized how very cruel I actually sounded. I used to call myself names all the time. I used to blame myself for things I never had a say in. I used to go over every conversation. I’ve ever had. hundreds of times. in my head. just so I could spot all the parts where I went wrong. and continue condemning my entire existence because of them. It was so scary. It was so scary how I particularly made sure to choose all my kind words whenever I talked to people, but I was always rude when it came to myself. It was so scary and so very annoying how I never realized I was the one giving myself anxiety. How every thought I had about myself unconsciously influenced the way I interacted with the world. And the way I continued to see myself.
It was interesting though how it all slowly started changing as soon as I decided to pay more attention to those details. I started being able to stop myself midway on most days, and would take my time to remind myself that it’s okay to make mistakes. That it’s okay to not always say the right thing. That it’s okay to screw up sometimes. That none of that says anything about me other than the fact that I’m trying. And that there’s so much beauty in my ability to try again everyday. Even if things don’t always go the way I imagine them. Because it. really. is. oh-kay.
Now I literally cringe every time I hear someone calling themselves stupid or belittling their ideas. It kills me to realize that someone might be shaming themselves without realizing it, when they might never even dare to do anything similar to other people around them. And yet it also kills me to realize that some people are not able to forgive others because they don’t even know what it feels like to forgive their own selves.
I know it’s not easy. It’s so not easy to remember to be kind to yourself. But it’s worth putting in the effort. I still slip sometimes. I still surprise myself with thoughts that I keep thinking I already got over. But it totally warms my heart how every time I start mocking myself or blaming her now, I unexpectedly catch me lovingly referring to myself with a nickname of mine during the process. It somehow feels like there are two sides of me inside right now. One that’s extra sweet and tender, and another that got so used to being cold and heartless. And I think they both do have something to teach one another, if only I could allow them to just be. They’re both essential; it’s what you do with the things they say that makes all the difference.
