My life has been somewhat a mess for the past couple of weeks. After I had already spent so much time fixing my sleep, maintaining a morning routine, regulating my social media usage, and having a generally more productive structure for my day, everything suddenly started going downhill at some (unknown) point.

I’ve been avoiding bringing any of that up in my writing (or even in my head), because I was too scared of my own reaction. I tend to scare myself a lot, yes. Because the things I tell myself can sometimes hurt a lot more than any of what I hear from outside.

Yet, this morning, I decided it was time for it. So I started my Morning Pages by listing down everything that hasn’t been going well for me lately, and that I’m not satisfied with. It took me the entire first page to dump it all out, and when I turned the paper, I just sat there waiting for all the “Why am I this person?”, “When will I ever change?”, “Am I never going to learn any better?” usual thoughts, but was surprised that none of them actually came out. Instead, everything that made it onto the second page felt like a warm pat on the shoulder, and an unprecedented reassurance that it is indeed okay. Not just the “it’s okay” I tell myself when I’m trying to make her feel better, but rather an extremely genuine it’s o.k.a.y. One that I literally felt every letter of.

And my third page was the action plan; one with the tiniest baby steps I could ever possibly set. Because for the first time in forever, I was finally able to give myself the space she needs to pick herself back up. For I so much believe she will. Even if not right now – even if not a month from now. I just know she eventually will. And I no longer mind waiting for as long as that might possibly take her.

I realize this might sound silly, but it’s taken me yearsss to reach any level of this. And I’m just so incredibly grateful I‘m finally making it. Alhamdulillah. (:

September 20, 2020