Being someone who always looks for reasons, tries to connect the dots, and pays attention to the little signs, sometimes adds an unconscious weight on my shoulders when something this big happens and my very human mind realizes it’s not able to make complete sense out of it. Especially when I unawarely keep fishing for the lessons I feel like I’m ‘supposed’ to be coming out of similar hardships with.

This time though, with the complexity and universality of the situation, I’ve become more convinced that it’s not really about the ‘lessons’ we come out with, as much as it’s about the ‘changes’ that come along. I feel like it’s not entirely possible to go through hardships in general, and come out exactly the same. Something always feels different. Something about the heart in specific, changes. And so, even though I’m only ‘indirectly’ affected by the coronavirus as of now, I’ve decided to pay a little more attention to the things that are changing about me and my heart in the process.

1. When this whole thing first started, I honestly did not believe that much in its validity. Being exposed to Egyptian social media most of my life, naturally makes me skeptical about anything that has some sort of a ‘hype’ around it. Egyptians are also very skilled at turning anything into memes and comics, and so it did sound a lot less serious at the beginning. I felt like it was eventually going to fade away, but it didn’t. It only got worse. With people dying. And the numbers going up. Even though there are so many question marks inside my head about it all now, I feel like I’m finally allowing myself to realize its seriousness. To listen to what the rest of the world has to say about it. To stop mentally frowning upon those who give it attention. And to actually talk about it out loud. Not sure if any of this indicates a ‘positive’ shift, but it still is a change I’m noticing.

2. I’ve never really been that much of a cautious person when it comes to health related issues. And yet, every time I leave my house now, I start thinking about how extremely vulnerable my human body in fact is, and how there’s always a possibility it might randomly pick up the virus without either of us having a real say on that. I’m starting to appreciate my health a lot more, and I’m allowing those precautions I see everywhere to take up some of my brain-space as well. It would be helpful to take this with me going forward, I believe.

3. More than ever, I don’t seem to be too concerned about how this is making everyone feel like they’re losing (the) control (they never even had). It’s not just about the virus itself, it’s also about the very short-term plans we all keep trying to make that are constantly messed with so bad. Travel plans. Religious gatherings. Wedding ceremonies. Classes. Work. Everything. We’re so not in control, and for the first time, it doesn’t feel as heavy for me. Maybe because I just came out of something that made me lose all sense of control, but the uncertainty about this is also reminding me of how very human we are, and how it’s all up to Him and what He knows is best.

4. This is also making me slow down. Really slow down. And I can see how so much changes on the inside when we can simply acknowledge the existence of a pause button that we, so unexpectedly, happen to have some control over.

What about you? Do you feel like those last few weeks have changed anything about you, too? If so, what do feel they have touched inside?

March 15, 2020