for the very longest time
you’ve been all I could think of
my first morning thought
and the reason I‘d smile
every time
I got a glimpse of my phone
that tried so hard
to stop me
from typing up your name
in every search bar
from trying to stalk
all what you are
every time
you’d cross my mind
and every time
I tried to forget about you.
for the very longest time
I thought I was a pro
at keeping a secret
at going through something
and never revealing it
but every time
I’d interact
with anyone
who knew nothing about you
I’d only look in their eyes
and I’d see you
in my reflection
in the way your name
was always written
all over my face
so loudly.
and I knew
I knew it would be hard
when it’s time to let go
I knew it would be
so humanly impossible
to quietly withdraw
from the healthiest addiction
I’ve ever experienced.
I thought it would take me
forever
to learn to look the other way
whenever
I caught sight of someone
who looks like you.
I thought I’d have
to train my fingers
to stop
hovering over the texts
I never even got
from you.
But the more I let go
the more I realize
I’m no longer running away
from the thought of you
and the more I let go
the more I understand
that letting go
was never synonymous
with loathing
resenting
despising
or grudging
letting go
was never meant
to hurt
or ache
it was never meant
to make
humans
more cynical
letting go
rather feels
more liberating
than holding onto
what no longer serves
it sets me free
without having me
curl back into
what once was
my unwanted reality
and letting go
does not mean
I can no longer write about you
for you still happen to inspire
the words I pour
out of me
and so
I’ll keep doing it
while slowly learning
to make peace
with the fact that
you might never
read me.

Written on: January 20, 2020