A few months before I start therapy, I wrote this:

A post about how I never knew how to be there for people. It irritated me so bad. So here I am, a couple of months after therapy, writing up a reply to my younger self, and her seemingly troubled thoughts.

Dear March-2017 me,

I love the fact that you wanted to be there for the people you care about, this much. And yet, this is just a tiny instance of what our anxiety has been doing to you. Exactly that. Wanting you to be in control, wanting you to do/know/say the right thing all the time, and wanting you to take responsibility for things you never had a say in. But it’s okay, we’ve learned not to hate it anyway. The anxiety. Instead, we try to understand it. But that’s for a whole other reply.

So how do I do it now? The whole being-there-for-people thing?

Here’s the truth: I have absolutely no answer to that. But the one thing I know for sure is, I’ve learned to stop filling my head with similar anxiety-provoking questions.

Instead:

I’ve learned to simply sit with people’s emotions. Whatever it is that they feel. The guilt, the anger, and the pain. The fear, the regret, and the hurt. The confusion, the stress, and the heartache. I just sit there, and allow them to take us wherever they feel like going. I’ve learned that they almost always lead us somewhere.

Only when I learned to sit with my own emotions first.

I remember how you used to freak out every time you witnessed someone breaking into tears. You should see me now, literally suffocating every time I realize someone’s intentionally refusing to cry despite the pain. I can watch people cry now without wanting to look away. I can sometimes physically feel their tears washing through wherever they feel the pain. I don’t try to stop them anymore. I’ve learned to be comfortable with that.

Only when I learned to be comfortable letting down my own tears around people, too.

I’ve learned that sometimes it’s okay to remain silent. To give the person enough space. Other times it would be important to talk, and maybe shed some light on another side of the story. Sometimes people need guidance, other times they only want to vent. You’ll know it, you’ll know exactly what they need, right when they need it. If you really listen to them. I’ve learned that there are no rules, and that the very same person might need a different response, depending on the situation on hand.

Only when I learned that I, too, (am allowed to) have a whole lot of needs and that I deserve to cater to them all.

Dear March-2017 me, I think we should stop looking for answers. I think we should listen more to our heart. It wouldn’t always know what we’re supposed to do, yet it can slowly help us make peace with the fact that it’s okay not to know.

I’m still learning. I still get anxious and screw up sometimes. But I try to be there, and remind myself that it’s okay. Because it really is oh-kay.

Yours lovingly,
January-2020 you