February 16, 2020. A day I had no idea was meant to forever be engraved in my memory, with all its details. When I woke up that morning, I was as excited about life as I’d been for the last couple of weeks. I had no idea God had different plans for me; the […]
Timings. I’ve always believed my life’s so cautiously thought-out and planned, in terms of major events leading up to one another in total harmony. Solely connecting the dots used to baffle me, up until I realized how every minute of my February 16 was so carefully calculated for me to end up in that […]
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You know how they say you won’t hear the bullet that‘s going to kill you? It kind of sounded like a relief, until I realized it’s only about the sound. Because I saw the car that traumatized me in the mirror as it was speeding towards us. And I felt the crash before it […]
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The first thing I remember hearing after the crash is the screams of my pregnant friend, which was mostly happening out of shock, yet sounded like it‘s out of pain. And it freaked me out so bad. My eyes widened. My hands were shaking. Absolutely nothing in the world seemed to matter at that […]
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The most blood-boiling part of the crash is, the guy behind it all. The first thing I saw of his face was a smile, a wide one. It kinda looked like it was his every day thing; crashing into random people on the street and ruining their lives. Until this very moment, I can’t […]
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Crying helps. A lot. It worries people to see someone crying, and yet I’d say it worries me to see people going through tough times without shedding a single tear. Because sometimes emotions can be pretty intense, nothing would soothe them more than the creation of tears. Every time I tried to cry that […]
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As soon as I was able to get a few seconds to myself in the middle of all the noise, my fingers instantly started typing this. This one thought was taking over my mind; what if that day was meant to be my last? I don’t think the thought of that would have troubled […]
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No matter how much I try to maintain a non-self loathing space for myself, or one that’s free from self-blame, I still find myself falling back into it with every new tough test. The first thought that immediately rushes to my mind when something bad happens is, what did I do wrong? What might […]
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Growing up, I always felt like I’m being rushed into recovery. Even by my own self. With every event that breaks me down, I’d give myself a week or two, then feel like it’s about time to snap out of it, clean my mess, and move forward. Because it’s not like I’ll spend forever […]
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It’s been two weeks since the day of the accident, and I keep realizing how every day that followed has felt quite different. When something really bad happens, you’d think you’d forever continue walking around with the pain of it, and nothing would ever feel the same after. It’s true, so much does change. […]
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I don’t think I would‘ve survived so much of what’s happening without the people I‘m blessed to be surrounded with. Those who somehow manage to know just the right amount of support to offer, while I myself still don’t know what is it that I need. Those who’re always around to listen, and yet […]
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You know ‘Joy’ from Inside Out? You know how so all-over-the-place she’s been throughout the movie, trying not to let other emotions take control? How she was convinced she‘s all what Riley needs? I have my own Joy, with slight variations. I have this part of me, that believes in reasons way too much. […]
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You’ve felt this pain before. You’ve done all you could to distract yourself from how much it hurt. And it worked. For a little while. Until you realized your distraction was starting to hurt even worse. So you instantly looked for another one. And it also worked, until it no longer could. It led […]
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One of my favorite things that happened after the accident, and that I want to document and continue remembering, is what I like to call: a night of connection. Around a week after, I decided to join a group of my friends on an outing, where we usually just chill and talk about life […]
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It’s so easy to be grateful when everything‘s okay. When it’s all sunshine and butterflies. When we’re content with what we have and what happens around. Two weeks before the accident, I started a gratitude challenge on my Instagram Stories, where I decided to mention one thing I’m grateful for every day. It used […]
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One of the very first things you‘re always told when something bad happens is, it must be out of ‘حسد.’ Which means envy, jealousy or begrudge. It’s mentioned in the Qur’an. It’s big. And it scares people. I personally believe in حسد too, but let me tell you, this is one of the worst […]
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The one thing that constantly bugs you, is the one thing that has something important to say. The one bad memory that you keep trying to forget, only keeps resurfacing to the top of your head because it’s trying to get you to notice it. To stop you from looking away and pretending it […]
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I wrote this on the morning of the accident, before it all happened. Not sure if it meant anything. As I was leaving to work this morning, I realized I had no idea where my phone was. My battery was also dead, so I had no option other than to find it myself. I […]
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If you’re here since last year, you might remember that today’s date is quite disturbing to me. February 16, 2020 is the day I got into the car accident that I’ve been constantly bringing up almost all year long. Sometimes I wonder if it was really that traumatizing, or if it just happened during a […]
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