Dear stranger who was once a friend,

I don’t know why I’m writing this, when I know you won’t be reading. I just miss you. And I know I can only miss you from a distance. Because for the very first time, I chose to walk away. And I no longer find it in me to walk back in. Even though my heart still hurts over your absence. Even though my mind still wonders if another chance is all we needed. Maybe it would’ve been easier, had it been you who left. I would‘ve sent you texts, every time you crossed my mind. Never waiting up for an answer, just the thought of you reading could’ve kept me calm. I would’ve read your every word, liked your every post, felt better at the possibility of you coming across my name. But I had to walk away. Because you never did. You stopped being there, but you never really left. And I was constantly left to wonder, if you want in or out. I was left to wonder if you‘ve wanted to leave all along. While I wasn’t getting the subtle hints. I was left to wonder if I wasn’t good enough. To be your friend.

I’ve parted ways with so many humans; none of them hurt this bad. Because you came in right at a time when my pieces were so terribly shattered, I didn’t believe trying to make me whole again even mattered. You came in, and gently helped me pick up every piece, without watching a single part of me bleed. You helped me heal. From the pain of things I never knew how to speak. A pain I thought was meant to be an inherent part of me. You did it all so gently, I didn’t feel a thing. Like a very skilled surgeon spreading open my skin. And stitching it right back, as if none of it had ever been.

Dear stranger who‘ll never be my friend,

I wish you weren’t even more skilled at building walls, carefully architecting their every brick. I wish I was allowed a tiny peek in. I wish I had the chance to see. How much you were hurting, too. How much was happening on your side, too. Before I figured it out, when it was too late. Before I realized that my walking away, has possibly caused a much deeper wound. Permanently leaving behind a scar, that will forever remind us of what we had. And what we might never again feel.

Dear stranger,

My scar still burns.

February 10, 2020