When opening up about their feelings, most people aren’t looking for: a) sympathy and confirmation that their struggle is the worst out there, or b) theoretical advices and reminders that they still have it better than others. There’s a grey area in-between; one we often tend to miss. An area of simply allowing others to just be. To feel the things they feel. To overreact until they can’t anymore. To live in denial for as long as they’re able to. To simply. just. be.

That’s how they can first allow us in to help.

We’re all made up of unique details, and so it’s illogical to expect everyone to feel and react the way we think we would if we were in their shoes. We wear our own shoes for a reason. Deciding to try someone else’s on for a while, does not mean we can fit into the rest of their clothes, not even their glasses too. We don’t get to decide how much someone’s paper-cut is supposed to make them cry; it cuts through their own skin and not yours. We don’t get to decide how much someone’s ankle sprain makes them scream; it paralyzes their own movement and not yours. We don’t get to decide how long someone needs to recover after giving birth; their baby pushes through their own vagina and not yours.

Likewise, there are no rules/guidelines for how much time people can take to grieve the loss of a loved one, or get over a heartbreak. People can’t be expected to magically stop overthinking whatever bothers them once they’re reminded it’s taking up more energy than it should. It’s okay to watch them cry over losing their favorite pen, if that’s what they feel they need. It’s okay to listen to them complain about breaking their fingernail. They’re not “teenagers” when they still get angry at things their parents do in their 30s, for they don’t have to match your “image” of how maturity is supposed to be.

It’s important to let all this sink in before understanding how validation works, because validation doesn’t come naturally to most of us too. It needs energy. It takes a lot of battling with one’s thoughts. It’s paralyzing to watch someone you love going through pain, wishing it was only humanly possible to physically cut through their heart and pull out the source of it all. Sometimes you feel responsible for guiding someone to a path you know they just need to be made aware of, for them to heal. Please do that; I’m not saying don’t. Validation doesn’t mean you don’t take action to help. Please be there for people and help them with their struggles, just make sure never to rob them of their right to feel what they’re meant to feel, as you do.

Because sometimes, we don’t *listen* to people. Sometimes their struggles happen to mess with an idea we might have about ourselves, or a thought we might’ve unconsciously been pushing away, that our response ends up being a reflex to something we personally don’t want to feel. And that’s the worst thing you can ever do to a fellow human being.

There’s still more I need to say about validation and how it works, so stay tuned for the coming post. And if you’ve made it this far, I would love to hear your thoughts!