I haven’t posted on here for a while, and I probably won’t be posting for another longer while. (Trying to turn this into some more interesting projects, please pray they come to life!) There’s just something I needed to document and continue reminding myself of for now. So here I am, coming back to write about today’s date. : )

March 24 is special. For on that day, one year ago, my termination session happened.

My therapist and I decided it was time for me to start steering through life on my own. I had made some progress. Yet we both knew I still had more to work on. I had mostly succeeded in maintaining a safe, supportive circle around me, and we agreed that this can help if I happened to fall back again.

And did I fall back again?

Oh, yes. So many times, I no longer keep track.

And did I feel bad about my fall backs?

Sometimes, yes. Sometimes my falls took me to really dark places. Sometimes I didn’t accept them. Sometimes it felt like I forgot everything I learned. Or worse, that I hadn’t learned anything to begin with; that maybe I was only fooling myself all along.

And did I go back to therapy for them?

I did. Around 3 times, one of which was full-time, not just a session or two.

And do I feel bad about my going back?

That one would be a nope. One very loud and definite nope.

Going back to my sessions is only a natural part of the process, and I’m proud of myself for not letting the thought of that scare me.

Because here’s what I constantly try to remind myself of:

This journey I’ve started is a never-ending one. There will hardly come a time when I wake up and realize I finally have it all figured out, that I no longer need to work on myself. There will always be new struggles, new realizations. There will always be new experiences, new phases, and new lessons. Which will all always teach me more things about myself, if I pay enough attention. If I let them be. If I feel every feeling they try sending my way, and explore the possibilities they show me. There will be ups, and there will be very intense downs. The one thing that’s definite about this is, neither of them will ever be permanent.

And so it’s okay. It’s okay to slip back into older versions of myself sometimes. It’s okay to feel my anxiety rocketing back up. It’s okay to have bad days. More often than not, those end up helping me grow in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise experienced. In ways that the quiet, peaceful days can never offer. In ways that I’m absolutely grateful for.

And so, going back to therapy after termination (or to basically anything in life after you thought it’s over), does not mean you’ve failed. It only means you’re a human being, experiencing normal human feelings. It only means you’re on your way, regardless of the destination. It only means you’ve been granted another chance, to try again. And that’s beautiful. That’s really beautiful.

Written on: March 24, 2020