I am a late responder. That's just who I am.

Sometimes it takes me days to reply back to a very simple text, and no matter how much I try to change that, it will always be who I am. I turn it into a joke most of the time, but I’ve finally decided to explain it in details now for whoever needs to understand.

Here’s the thing: I don’t actually check my messages until I’m in a state that allows me to respond. Which is not always the case. I truly, absolutely value the messages I receive and their senders, but here are just some instances that make me unable to respond right away.

I can’t respond to messages while I’m around people, I just can’t. It takes twice the energy I need for it. I completely zone out when I’m texting, and to me, it feels like I am physically with the person I‘m typing out that message to. So the possibility of having someone interrupt this connection irritates me. It really, really does. If someone talks to me while I text, I cannot just nod and smile. I have to physically get back with them, while I already am in the middle of being with someone else. And my inability to be in two places at the same time really gets to me. So I put my phone down.

I also can’t respond to messages while I’m in the middle of something; be it cooking, eating, cleaning or even just waiting for my stop while on the metro/bus. Because, again, I zone out and give that person I’m texting all my attention. So I’m able to normally use my phone while doing any of these, but just not to respond to texts. Because I’ll end up messing things, like burning the food or missing my stop and having to find a way back. I‘ve had it happen before that now I’ve just stopped even trying. So, again, I put my phone down.

I can never, ever text two persons at the same time and keep both conversations going. I’ve tried, but it just doesn’t come naturally to me. If we’re texting, that means you have my undivided attention and I cannot keep going back and forth between conversations. Yes, I am holding my phone and yes, I am online, but no, I can’t do this to either of you. So I just have to wait until one of you puts their phone down.

Now what happens when I’m not with someone, not texting someone, and not doing anything else worth my attention? I am left with myself. And that is an entirely different world. Me and my thoughts. Sometimes they’re too loud, that I can’t even process anything that’s coming from the outside until I calm them down. Sometimes they demand to be written out, which is not something I can simultaneously do with anything else. On most days, writing comes very hard for me. And you wouldn’t want to see how messy it gets inside when something that needs to be written out is not being given a way to. It hurts my insides even more badly than my inability to do all the things I’ve just mentioned, combined. So I find myself forced to put my phone down.

Sometimes I forget to check my messages, sometimes I do reply in my head and forget to actually type it out. Sometimes I need to think things over before I give an answer. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to talk. I can keep going on and on about how much energy it takes for me to simply just text. Which is already something I know I’d choose a million times over actual phone calls. I can text for hours, literally, and genuinely enjoy it. I have had some of the best (long) conversations of my life over texts, ones that I keep getting back to over and over again. I truly love texting. But that doesn’t change the fact that it still requires energy. And I need to be able to find the space for it.

This might not make any sense to you, and that would exactly be my point. We’re different, we have different capabilities, so kudos to you if you don’t have a problem with any of that. I do, so please let me be. I love me the way I am. Texting you is as important to me as any other thing I do during my day, that I similarly need the mental capacity for it. I don’t mean to offend you, I don’t mean to be rude. I am just being who I am, and I so love the people in my life for understanding this about me and for not letting it get in the way. (Thank you!)

March 30, 2019