Boundaries. The one word that’s been coming up in most of my journal entries this year. I don’t think I’ve been able to set real boundaries before, or at least without feeling the guilt rushing through right then and there.

I’ve struggled with that for so long, while mostly blaming other people who didn’t seem to respect my boundaries. Until I figured I really didn’t know what those boundaries are. Or more precisely, I didn’t know why I needed to set them.

I wasn’t fully aware of what my priorities were, and sometimes thought other people’s priorities were more important. I was hesitant about my choices, and sometimes thought some of them were weird because those around me didn’t seem to have the same preferences. And whenever I did understand my boundaries, I’d still choose to come up with excuses to maintain them, instead of openly voicing my needs. It all eventually led me to feel uncomfortable in almost all my relationships, because I either didn’t know what I want, or didn’t know how to say it.

The more I knew myself and understood my needs though, the more it reflected in my ability to set healthy boundaries and maintain even more healthy relationships. I can’t say I’m fully there yet, but I know I’m walking into 2022 with a different understanding of who I am and where I’m headed, that the guilt isn’t coming up as much as it used to. At the end of the day, guilt is an emotion that’s meant to protect me. It’s concerned I’d hurt someone’s feelings or make them unhappy. It’s trying to maintain the relationships it believes are necessary for my survival. It keeps doing what it’s been taught to do all my life, and that definitely won’t change overnight.

So I hope this would always be my reminder, to make peace with myself before I do with others. To put in the effort to understand what I want, before I expect those around me to magically find out. And to believe in the validity of my needs even when they don’t make sense to anyone else. (:

Basma Zaki