For the longest time, I’ve been convincing myself that people aren’t really ‘judging’ me, because I’m so obviously not the center of the universe. No one will possibly leave all they have to deal with in life, and start thinking about me in their heads instead, or even openly around others. People must have better things to do. Right?

It sounded like such a comforting thought, and yet it kept getting interrupted every time I realized I’m doing it myself. Sometimes even involuntarily, or on a very unconscious level. Sometimes I judge people, too. With the very little facts I know about them. Which, I also realize, doesn’t make me a bad person. It only makes me human. With a human mind. That works in ways we won’t always understand.

Just like we can’t look at a word without actually “reading” it, we can’t possibly come across people and have zero inner thoughts about them. The human mind will more often than not try to align what it sees with its own ideas of what it learns about the world, and not everything it learns can be controlled. There will always be societal influences and past experiences that shape our thoughts.

My anxiety about judgments would then come back with every similar realization about my own mind. It’s true we all have better things to do, yes. But our minds are still free to wander wherever they want most of the time.

That’s when I really started thinking, why do judgments scare me this bad? What difference does it make if someone thinks I’m weird or messed up? Why do I need to prove that I’m smart? Or socially intelligent? Or fun to be around? What if someone thinks I’m overly religious, and someone else thinks I’m too secular for them? What difference does any of this really make? Do the ideas I have about people change anything about them? If anything, my ideas only tell me something about myself. Not about other people.

Why do judgments sound so “bad” then?

Because they mostly come from a place of little (or no) knowledge. People’s ideas about us often have little to do with who we are on the inside. They only see an outer shell. And it does feel bad to be ‘misinterpreted’ based on what someone randomly chooses to assume of it.

Does it mean then, that those who get to take closer looks, stop judging at some point? Our family members, close friends and circles? Nope, they can judge even louder. It’s still a human nature. And it hurts even worse to realize we’re still so badly judged by those we care about.

Because we all want one thing at the end of everyday: to feel accepted. No matter how much we’d like to believe we don’t care. We want to feel accepted. And that’s okay. The only way I seem to be able to get around this right now is through: “prioritizing.”

My need to feel accepted
vs. My satisfaction over being true to myself.

My need to feel accepted
vs. The freedom of no longer having to put on a different mask with every new interaction.

My need to feel accepted
vs. The inner peace it brings to finally stop hiding the parts of myself I always thought are unloveable.

My need to feel accepted
vs. The more genuine connections I’m able to maintain on my every attempt to be more real.

My need to feel accepted
vs. Holding onto those chances that truly allow me to heal

Sometimes my need to feel accepted wins over any other feeling. Because I’m human. And my needs can take more control over me. Yet I know I always have the chance to wake up every morning and re-prioritize. To look at myself back in the mirror and remind her, it’s okay. It took me 20+ years to start accepting myself. And it only makes sense that I start learning I don’t need to judge my own self for that.

March 28, 2020