How it all started?
19 December 2017.
A day that completely broke me from the inside, yet a day that was a major reason behind all my earlier broken pieces finally coming together and helping me heal.
It was the day I failed for the first time in my life. On an exam I had literally given my all.
To everyone else, it sounded like just another exam. But to me, it sounded like the end of the universe. Because for such a perfectionist who had never experienced a real failure before, that was completely messing with the image I had been trying so hard to paint of myself inside my very own head. Failure was hardly ever a word in the dictionary of my mind. I might had experienced minor failures before then, but my mind had always been able to sort of conceal them into something they’re not. Right then though, the universe was just throwing it so loud at my face: I failed.
And yet, my failure turned out to be one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me. Not because I came out of it much stronger, but because it was one of the few times I had allowed myself to finally break down. All my life I had been trying to get back on my feet after every fall, because that’s what I always thought was expected of me. It felt so weird having to explain then how I was going through such a tough time simply because I had failed “an exam”, but still, I allowed myself to just be. It then shortly stopped being about the exam, and started being about every other uncomfortable feeling I’ve ever had to experience in my life yet continued to ignore. I was at a very bad place, left alone with the darkest of my thoughts. When I come across some of my personal writings from that time, it really gets me worried about my own self until this day. But little did I know, I just needed to hit rock bottom that way, so it would all lead me into taking the most important decision of my life.
I decided to start therapy.
A journey that lasted a little over a year, and truly changed every part of me.
One that I can easily call the most beautiful journey of my life. Despite every bit of pain.
Ever since I terminated, I had this urge to write about the whole experience and start sharing it with the world. Because 1) I’m so proud of myself, and of how far I’ve reached. 2) Speaking up about this is how I still continue to heal. 3) I really, truly, genuinely believe this is a journey everyone needs to go through at some point in their lives. And so maybe, just maybe, my words would touch even one person and lead them into that. But if not, at least I’d get to connect with my fellow therapy-seekers for a little while. Those who might be going through similar experiences, yet still choose to stay silent about them because they think the world would never understand. Well, at least we do.
And so I’ve decided to finally start my very own series: #ThingsTherapyTaughtMe where I’m hoping I’d get to share bits and pieces of my experience and explain therapy from my personal point of view. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve been pushing myself to write about lately, but I believe it’s so going to be worth it too. So here we go!
بسم الله. : )
