When this year started, I thought it was going to be “my year.” I remember a precise moment, at the very beginning, when I was recording a voice message to my best friend, explaining how my life finally seems to make sense; how so many of the “hardships” of the previous year had to happen, to get me exactly where I was then. I was ready to put all what I had learned in use, and change the direction of my 2020. On that same night, I had the worst car accident of my life. I didn’t even get the time to catch my breath. I was hurt. I was angry. I was confused. And I was traumatized. The following month came along with a global pandemic. And for the first time, it didn’t feel like I was the only one going through something major. I know I was probably never the only one earlier. I’d just walk to the grocery store on some of those days, look at people’s faces and really feel it. Everyone had something serious going on, and we could hear each other’s pain so loud, even from behind our masks. We couldn’t wait for things to get back to normal, which got me thinking, what does that normal even look like? Is there a point that anyone reaches where they’d sit back, watch things fall in place, and then never experience tough times ever after? For the longest time, I had been waiting for the perfect phase so I can start living the ‘life I’ve always wanted.’ I’d been waiting for things to get better, so I can ’get my life together.’ But I now realize, it’s never going to happen. If I have to pause everything in my life every time a slight discomfort comes up, I’ll have my entire journey on pause forever.

I can keep listing all the tough events that unfolded over the rest of my 2020. But one thing that didn’t seem to wait around for the right time, was my writing. I’ve unexpectedly been writing every day since the beginning of the year, and I’m so glad I was able to have it all documented. Because with hindsight, everything always sounds so reasonable. Because on the next day following my accident, my friend texted me and said “I’m sure you’ll add this to your timeline at some point, I’m sure it will make sense after.” And I didn’t believe her. But going through my writings from that time, I don’t think I would’ve wanted it to happen any other way. And even though I’m still going through some of the most uncertain times of my life, I’ve already seen so many things fall in place over the year, that I now can’t help but trust the process, entirely. Trust that nothing is ever random, and that my life has been so brilliantly crafted and planned by The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful. Alhamdulillah, endlessly.

Right now, I have no expectations for my upcoming year. Nothing at all. I’m no longer anxiously holding my breath, waiting for what might possibly happen that can bring me down again. I’m no longer feeling impatient about finding out what the days might be holding for me. I’m simply here. Right where I‘m utterly grateful to be. I’m safe. I’m loved. I’m supported. I’m blessed. I’m growing. I’m evolving. Right now, I am alive. Alhamdulillah!