Dear mind,

I’ve been angry at you for too long, but right now I’m not. I’m just confused. And the more I know about you, the more it confuses me. I get it, you’re trying to protect me. You’ve been trying to protect me all along. But sometimes I wonder what is it that you’re trying to protect me from, when you’re exposing me to your own ugly reality, all the time. How can you protect me, by showing me the worst there is? How can you be this concerned about someone’s judgment, that you end up judging me even worse? And how can you be so terrified of failure, that you end up failing me on purpose? I’m no longer trying to fight back, I promise. But you’re getting in my way. You’re really getting in my way.

I hear you all day long. And when I try to hide in my sleep, you still show up. You get down to business the minute I close my eyes. And the little control I think I have during the day, is totally lost. If I say you scare the hell out of me, it would be an understatement. For you’ve mastered giving my anxieties a voice, and turning my demons into visuals I can hardly shake off. I thought it was going to be us against the world, but it’s been you against me since the day we’ve met. It’s exhausting being the only one who gets to hear what you have to say. Because I know if someone finds out about the things you tell me on most days, they’d sprint to pull you off of me. Did you forget what it’s like to be… kind?

People keep saying things like “you have the power over your mind,” but does it have to be this way? Fighting for power every hour of the few we have on this Earth? I don’t want to fight, I never wanted to. Can we, maybe, be friends?

Can you laugh at my jokes and not cringe every time I choose to show who I am on the inside? Can you hold my hand while we chat with someone for the very first time, without thinking we’re being too much? Can you let go of the bars you’ve set around my heart, and allow it to experience what it’s only been watching, for once? I know you’re trying to keep us safe, I know you believe “prevention is better than cure,” but we often need to experience some damage, so we’d get to know more about each other. You, me, my heart, and everyone around. Sometimes hiding means we all miss out. And right now, I’m not sure that’s what I want to choose.

Dear mind, 

Can you give us another chance?