Do you ever remember moments in your life when you took certain decisions that you later realize have possibly shaped who you are forever? And maybe wish someone could have talked you out of them earlier?

I’ve lately been remembering this one moment, sometime when I was maybe 12 and had to change schools – which was technically my same school but a different branch. 😅 I remember I was going through a tough time back then, that I literally promised myself I’m not letting anyone in ever again. Those exact same words. I don’t remember why or what led up to it, but I remember I was laying in bed late one night, trying to think of all the possibilities that were yet to come. And then it occurred to me that I needed to stop letting people in because it hurts to watch them go. I started setting up those rules in my head for how my relationships ‘should’ look like going forward. And looking back at it now makes me realize my life hasn’t been the same ever since then. It’s so scary, and also so weird how I still remember the details that followed my decision this clearly. It’s even confusing to think my life could’ve taken a different direction had this night just not happened.

It makes me wonder if I still do it on an unconscious level. Take decisions based on things that still continue to hurt me, and not realize how loud the consequences are. It makes me wonder if my mind is really that powerful that it could trap me in cycles like those, or if my moments of vulnerability make me willingly hand over all my keys to those dark spots inside and allow them to lead. It makes me wonder if I might have ever been the reason someone took a similar decision that forever shaped them this way, without either of us even taking note. It really makes me wonder.

April 19, 2020