I recently got to learn a little about how handwriting can tell a lot about people.

Where I got to know about it, people were asked to write more than 14 lines, for it’s believed that once they cross those, who they really are starts coming out on paper. Their unconscious mind takes over, and they gradually let go of the part inside that might’ve been obsessing over neatness or accuracy. They’re more engrossed in what they write, and so their essence shows.

Going through some of my longer handwritten pieces, it kind of sounds true. It’s not always exactly the 14th line, but somewhere after the first few, I’d realize something is different. Not that it stops looking as neat, it just looks different. As if at one point, I start holding the pen differently, maybe. Or more of, I feel safer; I don’t try to hide who I am anymore. Even if I’m not fully aware of who that is, or what I had been trying to conceal.

I started seeing more of that off paper, too. Scanning through older thoughts, I could spot how uncomfortable I used to feel around certain people when I first got to know them. How I was convinced they must be judging me, and tried to sound more composed. I’d smile more, even when I didn’t feel like it. I’d try to say the right thing, laugh at the right intervals, and look at them through the right angle of my face.

But when I fast-forward to where we are now, I realize they’ve become all what “a safe place” implies. Now I pull my hair up in a messy bun whenever we meet, the way I would when I’m all alone. I speak words I only use inside my head, without feeling awkward about it at all. I throw around jokes that don’t even make them smile, yet totally crack up over how funny I sound to my own. It’s no longer about “what” I choose to share, but more of how. How I lower my guards, the way I do whenever I pick up a pen once more.

Because at some point, they make it beyond my 14th line, too.

June 10, 2020

And despite how long it might take us to get there, I’d know that as long as our pages keep flipping, they’d continue to have access to my every piece, no matter how many pauses we might take midway. Because making it beyond someone’s 14th line, is truly hard to want to undo.