No matter how much I try to maintain a non-self loathing space for myself, or one that’s free from self-blame, I still find myself falling back into it with every new tough test.

The first thought that immediately rushes to my mind when something bad happens is, what did I do wrong? What might God be upset with me for? What am I doing that He felt the need to punish me for? It must be something about me, right? Otherwise, why would it be happening to me?

Sometimes though, my mind wanders a little too far and starts thinking, maybe this is where “God only tests those He loves most” is applicable? Maybe He actually loves me?

It has to be either this or that, doesn’t it?

Well, no...

Definitely not.

It’s not always easy to get out of this loop, because my human mind always wants an answer, an explanation, a reason to blame it on. But while I go through that thought-process, I tend to forget that if it really was about me, and the things I do, I would’ve literally been sent a hardship every second of my life. If He were to “punish” me for my wrongdoings, I’d barely even survive for a day. My sister would always say “this is not how God treats us”, as in; He doesn’t do good for us only because we’ve done good, and then instantly backfire the minute we lose our way. That sounds like such a “human” thing, not a quality of His.

With Him, it’s never an “equation.”

His blessings are never just a “reward.”

With Him, we shouldn’t always expect a “because.”

The sentence can end right after the story’s told. It doesn’t need a comma, a continuation, a clarification. It can be a full statement on its own.