The first thing I remember hearing after the crash is the screams of my pregnant friend, which was mostly happening out of shock, yet sounded like it‘s out of pain. And it freaked me out so bad. My eyes widened. My hands were shaking. Absolutely nothing in the world seemed to matter at that first instance, other than the life of someone who hadn’t even made it out to the world, and the effect it might have had on his mom.

She was okay, alhamdulillah a million times. One of the many miracles of the accident that I cannot stop being grateful for. It released so much of the tension just knowing that, and yet I immediately started crying. I was never someone who starts crying this fast, and definitely not in the middle of the street where everyone was already staring. It worried everyone in the car, and they tried to assure me we were all okay. But that still didn’t stop the urge to let it all out.

I am definitely grateful we are all okay. It’s just that, at this exact moment, my mind started racing and nothing sounded like it was ever going to be the same again. I wasn’t going to be able to unsee this for a while. I wasn’t going to be able to unfeel the intensity of those feelings. I wasn’t going to be able to normally carry on with so much of the things I had already put SO much effort trying to maintain about my life. In a split of a second, I could see images in my head of things I knew I’d have to go through that I never looked forward to. My life had in fact been a literal rollercoaster for around six continuous months, and I was almost *just* starting to feel somewhat at peace. But something this big had to happen, and disrupt it all again. Something beyond my control. Something I had no say in. Something I still can’t make sense of. And it was just too much to take in. So I cried. And I still do.

Because there’s still a part inside me that wishes it was only possible to undo it all. To wake up one day and realize it has all maybe been part of a dream. Because I know I still need to learn that I’m not in control. I know I still need to understand that change is inevitable. But I’m still unable to accept any of it all.