You know how they say you won’t hear the bullet that‘s going to kill you? It kind of sounded like a relief, until I realized it’s only about the sound. Because I saw the car that traumatized me in the mirror as it was speeding towards us. And I felt the crash before it turned real.

The scene has been randomly replaying inside my head since the day of the accident. No matter how much I try to talk about it, it doesn’t go away. And no matter how much I try to explain how traumatizing it was, it still doesn’t even convey half of what it has done (and is still doing) to my brain. Seeing something that’s about to destroy you or potentially take your life away, speeding towards you, looking you right in the eye and sending you a clear message that you have absolutely no control over it whatsoever, reminding you of how helpless you are.

Because it wasn’t just me, it was also three other people in the car that I instantly felt I needed to warn, to push out, to somehow save. And yet my tongue felt too heavy. My body was momentarily paralyzed. My mind went blank. And then BAM, it happened. The car crashed and confirmed it all.

I still wonder, would it have made any difference if I had experienced it just like everyone else? All of a sudden, out of nowhere? Or would the suddenness of it still be traumatizing in some other way? Would my current brain’s response to any slightly fast moving vehicle have been any less intense? I’m not sure. All I know is, this will stay with me for a while. It will continue playing inside my head. I‘ll keep wondering if I can ever unsee it. I’ll keep feeling the crash and the car hitting through. I’ll keep hearing the screams that followed. And I’ll keep hoping I’d make it to the day when I eventually wake up and feel it all fading away.