One of the very first things you‘re always told when something bad happens is, it must be out of ‘حسد.’ Which means envy, jealousy or begrudge.

It’s mentioned in the Qur’an. It’s big. And it scares people. I personally believe in حسد too, but let me tell you, this is one of the worst places you can take your mind to in the aftermath of a trauma. Because nothing about your thoughts sounds rational then, and anxiety can lead you to really dark places after, if you allow it to.

I fell into one of those.

I’ve always believed in حسد but I also believe in أذكار الصباح والمساء (morning and night prayers/remembrance) and the power they have against anything bad that might come my way. However, I hadn’t been consistent with those prayers for a couple of weeks before the accident. And so, naturally, when my thoughts started shifting to that direction, I fell into a sea of self-blame, which, at some point, turned me silent towards God.

I blamed myself for not being able to stay consistent with something as simple as this (prayers), which could‘ve possibly protected me from all that happened. I started thinking that maybe I was the one who brought it all to myself. If only I’d done my prayers. If only I’d been more aware of this. If only I’d been more mindful of what I share. It was a very heavy burden, because my thoughts convinced me that I could’ve somehow ‘controlled’ it, but that I was the one who messed it up instead. And I got angry at myself.

And then I got angry at the fact that a concept like حسد exists in the first place. That God allows it to have that much power over us. That people can look at other lives from the outside, know nothing about what happens behind the scenes, then decide that others sound like they have it better than them, so they unconsciously start envying them. If He wanted this concept to not exist, He could have simply not created it, right?

It took me a really long while to get out of this loop, to become more mindful of this narration (on the picture), and to slowly remind myself I am not in control, and never will be. The control is all with Him, which, alone, brings comfort.

Nothing happens without Him allowing it to happen. Also, (and I’ve touched upon this on ‘attempt 8’ of the accident posts) if God were to really deal with us based on what we did or didn’t do, we’d already be screwed. It’s a little naive to think that just because I didn’t do my prayers, He chose to get me into an accident. It can be a reminder, yes, but not the one and only correlation.

These conclusions are really hard to reach when you’re in the middle of an incident, and your mind only wants to victimize itself or try to trick you into believing you’re in control.

So, I’ve read a bit about حسد during the last couple of days, and I’ve decided the following:

1. Even if I have no time/energy to read or say all my prayers every morning and night, I’ll still stick to those three inshaAllah. They’re proven to protect us from anything similar:

- الفاتحة، الإخلاص، المعوذتان (٣ مرات)
- أعوذ بكلمات الله التامة من كل شيطان وهامة ومن كل عين لامة (٣ مرات)
- بسم الله أرقيك، من كل شئ يؤذيك، من شر كل نفس أو عين حاسد، الله يشفيك، بسم الله أرقيك

- Al-Fatiha, Al-Ikhlas, Al-Falaq, Al-Nas
- I seek refuge with Allah’s Prefect Words from the evil of what He has created.
- In the Name of Allah, I recite a prayer (Ruqyah) over you, from the evil of every person and evil eye. In the Name of Allah I recite a prayer (Ruqyah) over you, may Allah cure you.

And to also remember to say ‘MashaAllah’ and ‘Tabarak Allah’ when I come across other people’s blessings, too.

This is not because I’m ‘scared’ of حسد, but it’s because I’m honestly scared of my mind. I want it to be sure, that if anything happens again, it won’t be related to this. Because I would have done my part and I trust God to take care of the rest.

2. Stop trying to make sense of why حسد exists, for a while. And be more content with the fact that God gave us the cure.

Maybe it only exists because He wants us to be more mindful of His power. To go back to Him and ask. To realize that without His protection, we’d have it really hard. Maybe it’s one more reminder that the control is all His. And maybe I just don’t need to make sense of it for now.

3. Try not to let it have an impact on the things I continue to share.

Because He also said: وَأَمَّا بِنِعْمَةِ رَبِّكَ فَحَدِّثْ - (And proclaim the grace of your Lord.) And I know that, alhamdulillah, I am utterly blessed.

Those 3 decisions have finally put my heart at peace.