You know ‘Joy’ from Inside Out? You know how so all-over-the-place she’s been throughout the movie, trying not to let other emotions take control? How she was convinced she‘s all what Riley needs?

I have my own Joy, with slight variations.

I have this part of me, that believes in reasons way too much. She believes that every little thing happens for the best. That every random plan leads to the perfect scenario that always works best. And I love this part, so much.

Only that I’ve realized it tries taking over my insides, all the time, the way Joy (wasn’t aware she) did.

With every hardship, I’d feel my thoughts trying to shift to an area of, why is this happening? Why does it have to hurt this bad? Why are there so many memories/triggers that constantly remind me of it? Why me? Why now? Why this way? Why at all?

Every time I slightly come close to that, I feel this part shushing everything inside. She’d instantly start explaining the ‘wisdom’ behind things. She’d remind me that anything God brings is for my own good. She’d try to spot all the things I know would‘ve never happened had this hardship not fallen in place; lessons I’ve learnt, people I’ve met, feelings I’ve felt.

I always allow her to take over. Because how can I argue with any of that?

Today, I realized my insides have gone silent. After all the attempts of turning their voices down. And it didn’t feel okay not hearing them.

So I decided to grab my phone and write down whatever chooses to come out.

I wrote down so many whys.

I wrote about all that I wish.

I wish it never happened. I wish I can erase this day from my head. I wish I can forget all what I remember of it. I wish I can undo every bit. I wish I knew how to get over the pain I still feel within.

But does that make me believe in the reasons any less? Nope. Not at all. It just makes my Joy realize I’m hurt, and that I need some other parts to speak for themselves. I think she realizes it. And I think she‘s decided to take a seat and listen to what they have to say instead.

I’m glad she did.

Because despite all the reasons I deeply believe in, I still wish it never happened.

And that’s also okay.

It’s okay.