For the longest time, I’ve been putting off watching the final episode of Anne with an E because I knew it would break my heart to realize I’ve nothing more of it to watch. But I eventually brought myself to it, and oh well, it was heartbreaking in every sense. :’)

This was the scene that struck me most.

"Before you left, I was afraid to show you my feelings because I didn't want to hold you back. But in doing so, I know I hurt yours. I'm sorry. I'll miss you, everyday. I love you so."

Matthew had been acting weirdly around Anne because she was supposed to leave to college already and he didn’t know if she’ll even come home when she’s done. And so all he could do was pretend it didn’t hurt him, and convince Anne he was “being practical” with every tough decision he took. He said he was only doing it out of not wanting to hurt Anne, so she wouldn’t feel bad about her decision to leave. Because convincing her that they’re going to be perfectly fine without her around, would certainly make it better.

It didn’t.

In fact, it hurt Anne even more. She felt replaced. She felt that maybe he hadn’t even wanted her around all along. Her absence sounded like it meant nothing to him. All because he was being so protective of his feelings.

And it just got me thinking of how we often think we’re being so selfless in our relationships; trying to make everything so effortless for everyone around us, when it turns out we’re mostly trying to protect ourselves from the pain. Maybe Matthew wasn’t really trying to make things easier for Anne. Maybe it was too scary for him to admit that he loves her so much and that it terribly hurts to watch her go. Maybe it hurt to admit it to his own self in the first place.

Sometimes it sounds like if we don’t say the words out loud, the pain will no longer make it into our hearts. Yet sometimes the pain of not being able to express the intensity of our feelings can hurt a lot worse.

I’m going to miss Anne. And Matthew. And Marilla. And Diana. And Gilbert. And Miss Stacey. And Sebastian. And what the heck happened to Ka’kwet? 💔