This is not something therapy has taught me. This is rather the story of how this whole series came to life. I’m so happy with where it’s going so far (alhamdulillah!) and so I feel like I need to document a couple of my steps along the way. (This might be longer than most posts on the series - which I realize are already too long, but oh well, guess I just need to get it out!)

Ever since I terminated, I had this urge to share my experience with people. I talked about it with almost everyone who knew about my journey. I said I wanted to write about it publicly, but I never actually did anything. Some people told me they couldn’t wait for it, others expressed a slight disapproval and suggested I only share it with my close friends if I really wanted to, or maybe talk about the things I learned in general – without disclosing that I actually see a therapist. But every time I came across someone’s personal words/thoughts (whether about therapy or not), that sounded so honest and managed to touch something inside me and make me feel less alone, the urge to do this kept coming back.

I talked about it a lot. But I never took action. I would feel the words writing themselves up in my head on most days, but I never allowed them out. I decided to start a countdown for it, the way I do with all other things I look forward to. I thought I just needed to set a date to start: 19 December 2019 would be it; the same day I had failed my exam in 2017 which was eventually one of the reasons that led me to therapy. I convinced myself it was enough time for me to write down the entire series first, and then post it one by one later on. I didn’t want to go public with it without having everything ready, because I didn’t want people’s perceptions to get in the way between me and my words. (And because of the perfectionist in me as well, to be honest.) It was basically me delaying it all because of how much I knew it was going to expose of me. I was scared of the judgments, too. And I just know if I hadn’t managed to start in December 2019, I would’ve probably postponed it to December 2020. 😅 The way I always do with things that scare me. Eventually, I stopped counting down for it some time in July, for no reason at all. It still lingered there at the back of my mind. But I never did anything.

And then, I randomly and unexpectedly started this series on 27 October 2019. Who would have known? I didn’t. Not even one day before it. But God had different plans for me. Just a couple of days before then, I decided to open up to someone in my life about my therapy experience. I did not exactly “decide”, I just randomly happened to do it one day. And let’s just admit I didn’t really wisely think about the consequences back then. I didn’t choose the right time, the right setting, or the right words for it. And consequently, I was invalidated so bad. So very bad, it hurt the very deepest parts of my soul. I went back to therapy for it, and it still didn’t heal not even 1% of the pain I felt inside. I don’t think I’m fully over it until this day, and yet, it pushed me to write.

I started this series on the same day I posted the very first post. Came up with the name right on the spot. Was it going to be a daily, a weekly, or a monthly thing? I had no idea. What exactly was I planning to talk about? Never even gave it a thought. What was I expecting out of it? Absolutely nothing. I just felt so much pain inside and nothing in the world seemed to matter then more than getting it out. If I had really properly thought about this for one more day, I would have probably deactivated all my social media accounts before I could write a single letter. But I didn’t, and I’m so glad I never did.

I’ve been doing this for three months now, and I have no idea how it’s happening. I just randomly happened to post the first two posts on two consecutive Sundays, and so I decided that Sunday would be my Therapy Reflections day. Sometimes I don’t get the time to do it before Monday or Tuesday, but so what? I no longer give myself a hard time for it, the way I used to when I don’t stick to my plans. I just learn to enjoy the process. On most days, I have absolutely no idea what I want to write about, but every Sunday I decide to give it a try anyway. And somehow, something always magically comes out.

Because this was never about me. And that’s a very important reminder I need to write down and always remind myself of. It’s never about me. I never really planned to start this. I never even planned to start Therapy. I’m never responsible for anything that comes out of me. It’s all truly Him: God. He allows me to express myself through words, even though I’ve always unconsciously questioned why He doesn’t allow me to express myself the same way in real life. But right now, I know that if He chooses to never let me utter a single word out loud ever again, and instead, fill every notebook I get my hands on with written words, I would never object. He brings the words out of me. He inspires the ideas I get. He sends my words over to the people who need to read them, exactly when they need to. He does it so beautifully that I never even have to plan anything when He’s in control. I just sincerely ask Him: اللهم استخدمني ولا تستبدلني (which literally means: Please use me and do not replace me), I feel every syllable of it, and He just does all the magic.

The things that have happened to me over the last three months because of this, are countless; they need a post of their own though. But it has been beautiful. I still feel very uncomfortable about it on most days. I still cover my eyes every time I click post, and feel like hiding under my bed right after. I still wish the ground would swallow me up in the middle of some conversations I have in real life, whenever I randomly remember that I have the person I’m talking to on Facebook and that they probably read this. I still struggle trying to align my online presence with who I am in real life, because on some days, it feels like I make it seem I have it all figured out, when I really still struggle with almost everything I write about. It’s so very hard and yet, if I had the choice to undo any of it, I never would. Because nothing has ever helped me heal more than this. Nothing has ever made me accept how very exposed I am more than this. Nothing has ever made me feel more in love with the human I am more than this. Nothing has ever felt as real as this.

I never had a plan for where this would go, but it’s already taking me places. And I’m sure something very beautiful is going to come out of it. When the time is right. When HE knows the time is right.

Alhamdulillah.

Written on: January 26, 2020