My heart really hurts every time I keep praying - with my entire being - for a certain something to happen, and yet all I get is silence in return.

Just silence. Not even signs. Nor any hidden comforting messages between the lines.

Silence.

Just that.

My eyes would often turn back to the sky, and I’d unconsciously wonder; you said “Call upon Me and I shall answer you”, right?

You didn’t add any ‘only if’s, You didn’t include any conditional clauses, You just said you’d answer, right?

Right…

I’d then, somehow, immediately feel my mind wander off to the last time I wanted something so bad, too. And I’d start looking back at all the hard days I’ve had to survive through, before it actually came true. All the unease. All the prayers that often felt like they went unheard. All the pain that cut through my insides every time the uncertainty almost killed me. And I’d very clearly remember how those nights that I’d spent crying my eyes out, ended up being nothing - absolutely nothing, even close to how it felt to have the tears flow down my face the day He finally said His كن فيكون. (Be, and it comes to be.)

As much as I despise having to wait, I keep realizing there’s nothing in this entire world I would ever trade for that feeling. For that specific kind of joy, that comes right after a period of excruciating pain. When it gets too dark, that I’d almost feel I’m never going to experience light anymore. When the silence turns too loud. When my eyes no longer even find it in them to generate anymore tears. When it physically hurts to turn my prayers into actual comprehensible words, and I have to hear myself say them out loud while none of them sound attainable anymore.

And so I’d go back to reminding myself, that there’s so much beauty in how everything always gets worse, right before it finally gets better.

There’s so much beauty in the way I’m always reminded to never take this ‘better’ for granted.

For what I come out of each of those phases with, is always priceless in comparison to what I have to give up.

Because He listens.

He’s the best listener of all.

And He knows.

June 9, 2020