إن لم يكن بك عليً غضب فلا أبالي
So long as You are not angry with me, I do not care

A prayer that so warmly puts everything in perspective. There’s so much that I keep worrying about every day, so much that I overthink, and so much that I blame myself for. But then comes those reminders, that truly put everything in perspective.

Sometimes it hurts to hear the reminders, especially during those times when I realize I’ve allowed Dunya way too much into my heart. When the love of this world involuntarily takes over my insides. Because I’m human. Because I’ll constantly be tested through the things I love and the things that will constantly keep wrenching my heart. Because every worldly thing I’ve ever been attached to, always ends up hurting in ways that teach my heart it only belongs to Him. And that He’s all that really matters. If He’s happy, if He’s satisfied, if He forgives me for everything I keep promising I’ll never get back to, nothing else in the world really matters at all.

I’ve lately been able to tell exactly when God’s angry with me. Not through unanswered prayers, plans that go wrong, or anything of that sort. But really, through the way I realize I’m no longer able to feel Him inside me. When the void starts growing wider. When my soul, somehow, starts feeling tinier. When all I hear is silence, though I know He constantly speaks to me through every little thing I come across. I just know then, He’s not so happy. He’s waiting for me to find my way back. And there’s something reassuring about knowing He’ll always be there, no matter how far I go. No matter how much my false attachments continue to push me further away. He will be there, and nothing else in the world matters but that.

For as long as He keeps His doors open for me, I’ll keep stopping at every u-turn on the way until one of them eventually takes me back. As long as there’s always a chance to make things up, to feel Him inside again, to know He’s no longer angry with me at some point, then I really, truly do not care about anything else.

October 7, 2020