I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. Losing people to death. There isn’t a single person I currently know who hasn’t gone through the pain of losing a loved one. And I’ve seen how it changes most of them.

The way they smile. The way they interact with people. The way they generally go about life. It changes them forever. And the way some people choose to never speak about the pain it brings along, also changes something about them forever. It breaks my heart.

I don’t think I fully grasp it though. Someone not existing anymore. Just the idea of them lingering in the minds of those they knew. Without them taking up actual physical space in the world. It’s too hard for me to wrap my head around on most days.

Being the distant person I mostly am, I feel like my mind finds it appealing to create other scenarios for them instead. They’ve just moved countries and it’s hard for us to communicate. They’ve just chosen a different direction that makes it hard for us to cross paths these days. They’re still around, somewhere, it’s just difficult for us to stay in contact the way we’d want.

But that only works for those who haven’t left so much behind to remember.

Their scents on the clothes they no longer wear. Their spots on the bed remaining untouched for years. The sounds of their voices documented everywhere. The text messages they’ve always been the first to respond to. The dark days that no one can offer a simple warm presence on, the way they used to.

How can anyone’s mind create alternative scenarios for the absence of all that?

It doesn’t just break my heart, it shatters it into pieces. And I find myself turning my head up towards the sky; not really questioning, but rather trying to understand why.

Why does death even exist?

Why does anyone have to endure that much pain?

Why are we supposed to suffer this way?

Why does it never get easier with the days?

And then comes this Ayah. A powerful reminder for how temporary this world is always meant to be. Not just when it comes to death, but with every other hardship that life sends our way.

The illness, the injustice.

The distress, the failures, and the heartbreaks.

The events we have absolutely no control over.

And the tests we don’t always understand.

They’re only a reminder. This is all temporary. This is not where we belong. This is not meant to last forever. This is all going to end soon. Much sooner than we think. No matter how permanent it sometimes feels.

This is not what we should be aiming for.

This was never meant to be our final stay.

It’s hard to remember this on most days. It’s so hard to remember this. And He knows. He sends us phrases and verses like those to repeat over and over, because He knows. No one in the world understands your pain more than He does.

So turn towards the sky tonight, and say it. Really say it. Feel every letter of it. Understand every syllable. Ponder over every word.

To Allah we belong.

And to Him we shall return.

He hears you, and He knows.

Written on: January 18, 2020