"And make me content with it."

The idea of Istikhara (the prayer of seeking guidance) used to scare me a little when I was young. It always worked when I felt confused. But whenever someone suggested it for things I really, truly wanted, my heart used to always skip a beat. Because what if Istikhara ends up leading me somewhere I don’t want to go? It’s not like I can feel Him guiding me towards a certain direction, and then consciously decide to take a turn, can I?

It used to scare me, and so I used to procrastinate. I’d try doing the prayer a little closer to when I had to take the decision, so I would’ve mostly made up my mind by then, and wouldn’t get to focus on the signs for too long. I’d pray for what’s best for me, but I’d feel my heart silently pleading that what’s best would end up being exactly what I wish for. I don’t think I was fully conscious about the process until just a couple of years back.

When I truly started understanding and appreciating the concept of Istikhara, I’d always find myself pausing at that very last line, slowly repeating it over and over again. “And make me content with it.” - I’d really ask Him to make me content with it. To make my heart content. With whatever He thinks is best. And somehow, this shortly turned into my ultimate favorite part.

Because Istikhara then started becoming more about Him fixing my heart, rather than helping me make up my mind. It started becoming more about seeking guidance, rather than waiting for approval. It slowly and magnificently started feeling like He literally makes me unwant things I never even thought I can ever survive without, every time I genuinely prayed for it. Things I always knew I’d literally cry my eyes out if they didn’t work out. I’d just wake up one morning, and realize I don’t even feel a thing towards them.

Every time, I think I’ll never reach this level of contentment. And every time, He proves me wrong. Because the kind of contentment He can fill your heart with after real, sincere prayers, will never ever top any feeling you willingly decide to create for yourself. He has control over your heart, and on most days, He only really wants to listen to you asking, so He can endlessly give.

Written on: January 28, 2020