"Verily, Allah loves those who frequently turn (to Him) with repentance."

My journal entires for the last couple of days have been highlighting how much I’m having a hard time forgiving.

Forgiving myself, above all.

I’ve been befriending many parts of me lately; parts I’d been having trouble with. I’m getting to understand them better, and resolve some of the feelings I come across as I do. But somehow, guilt is the one thing that never goes away.

Guilt over having hurt others in the process of trying to make sense of who I am. Guilt over not being able to go back and undo the pain I might have caused. Guilt is one of those feelings I still need to learn how to deal with. It keeps getting in the way of my ability to forgive.

And what I do next is always something along the lines of trying to completely eliminate the possibility of it ever coming up again for me. Which is the hardest and most confusing thing I keep doing to myself.

Because avoiding guilt often means I’m avoiding mistakes. While God says He “loves” those who frequently repent. And how can I possibly repent, without having first made a mistake?

It’s heartwarming, really, to be worshipping a God who allows me to slip, and offers me the means to stand back up again every time. Which is also where it confuses me the most. How my Creator expects things of me that I do not accept of my own self in the first place.

I don’t think I’ve found my way around any of this yet, but I’m choosing to post this as a reminder for anyone who might be struggling, just like I am: Forgive yourself. You truly deserve that. You’ll hardly ever wake up one day feeling like you’re at peace with every little thing you’ve done that you’re unhappy with, but you can always try. List out the things you need to forgive yourself for. Write them down on paper. Make amendments where they can be made. And if you think it’s maybe too late… let it all out to Him in Sojoud.

Tell Him how much you’re struggling, tell Him about the weight only He knows you’re carrying. Cry it out right there. Because you’re blessed with the ability to directly communicate with the Most Forgiving of all. And maybe He can slowly walk you through that door.

Only if you’re willing to wait around until it opens up to you.